


Green (With Envy)

by cactusthespacecat



Category: The Bright Sessions (Podcast), The College Tapes (Podcast)
Genre: Canon Compliant, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Jealousy, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, NO FUCK YALL DONT GET IT IM YEARNING, POV First Person, Yearning, arcade date, i am simply in love with adam hayes, it gets sorted, it took me two weeks to write this im so tired gang, no no have you considered, theyre on a date and they love each other so much gang, this is a adleb fic and Brytz is only mentioned, yearning in first person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-26
Updated: 2020-12-26
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:08:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28339716
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cactusthespacecat/pseuds/cactusthespacecat
Summary: Adam and Caleb need to take date advice from Mark and Oliver more often.Guys I'm back and it's not p*rn this time, I am just in love with Adam Hayes and no one told me to stop writing!This takes place after The College Tapes, some vague spoilers, but nothing major.The formatting is still ass, but it's got flavor, so please accept this 8k yearning session.Best enjoyed with https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3j2r4T4Shw2aKmFzRv3c1N in the background, cuz thats what i wrote it to.
Relationships: Adam Hayes/Caleb Michaels, Mark Bryant/Oliver Ritz
Comments: 3
Kudos: 23





	Green (With Envy)

“Look, Mark told me that him and Oliver-”

“He and Oliver-”

“-That the two of them went on a date to this place downtown that was really quiet and it’s got an arcade and ice cream and pretzel bites and-” 

“Caleb, my coat is on, we’re walking to the bus stop, you can stop convincing me to go on a date with you now,” Adam laughed.

“I know,” I grabbed his hand from his pocket and swung it between us as we walked. “I just want to know that I’m not taking you to the middle of nowhere to murder you or some shit.”

He put his hand back in his pocket, but didn’t let go of mine, so we were holding hands in his jacket pocket. I had to slouch a little to reach, but it was warm so I guess it was worth it. Man, I kinda missed swinging his hand though, it made him smile, and fuck, I wanted to see him smile. 

“If you were going to kill me, I’d imagine that you’d already have done it by now. On a date that Caitlyn knows I’m going on, on a school night? Tactless.”

I laughed, nodding at the bus driver as we boarded. “Wait, Caitlyn knows you’re here? I’ve gotta rethink my whole plan…”

Adam pulled his hand away to pay and I found myself making a face until he grabbed my hand again. It felt like something was missing whenever he let go, which sounds sappy as hell but I think I’m allowed to be sappy about my boyfriend. Probably.

We went to take a seat near the back, and I slid in on the bench after him. I know it’s stupid, but I feel like I need to protect him from the outside, even thought there was only an old lady and some other young person on the bus with us. At least I could make a good pillow or something...

Adam was talking, leaning against me to shove the ticket stubs in his pocket, “I could let her know that my plans changed but she might get suspicious if I suddenly decide to hang out with Frankie today instead.” 

“Oh hell, you think I’d frame Frankie? I would never throw my bro under the bus like that.” I drew circles in his palm; His skin was so soft compared to mine, I almost felt bad about holding his hand, like I was sandpaper to his satin. 

“I’d say it was Caitlyn. Your bitchiness finally got the best of her and you never showed up to our date at all.”

“Oh, you love my bitchiness, meathead.”

“I didn’t say I didn’t, it’s one of your best features.” I braced myself. “Next to your ass.”

As predicted, Adam smacked my arm with the hand I wasn’t holding.

“Don’t hit me, I love you and your negative ass.” 

He landed a small kiss on my shoulder where he hit like he needed to make it feel better, but glared at me.

“I love you too, asshole.” 

He settled back into the bus seat like it was going to be a long ride and unwrapped his headphones, holding an earbud out to me. I keep telling him to get the completely wireless ones but he insists that these: that he’s had since high school, sound better than anything else he’s tried. So I took it from him and leaned my head against him to listen to a few songs.

I could literally feel his emotions but I always loved to connect the music he was listening to to whatever he was feeling. Waves of contentment were filling basically the whole bus and I just sat in that reverie for a while, putting my own emotions away. I loved being with Adam, he was so easy to be around, to talk to, to love. I loved being in love with Adam.

And I knew, thanks to this damned power I have, that he felt the same. And I guess the fact that he’s played nothing but sappy ABBA songs for almost a week now. 

God, that reminded me, we started sharing a Spotify and it might have actually been a mistake; he does a stupid thing where he’ll listen to a song halfway through and then stops so that when I press play on my headphones, I’m forced to listen to the song of the day until I have time to pause it. Unless he was doing it on purpose, which I guess makes sense. I don’t skip it, listening to songs that Adam is listening to makes me feel… closer to him. Like I’m feeling his emotions even when I’m in a different city. Which sounds sappy as all hell, but he probably doesn’t notice that I finish his ABBA songs for him, so it’s fine to think about. Especially feeling the warmth coming from my boyfriend on the cold bus as we listened to Snow Patrol or some shit. It didn’t sound sad, so at least there’s probably no pressing underlying sadness taking over Adam’s life. 

Anymore than normal, at least.

I don’t know if I’ll really ever come to terms with the fact that I can’t just fix everything for Adam. I want to build a house with a fuckton of windows on the outskirts of a big city within yelling distance of all of our friends and I want to grow our own food, but make sure that shitty unhealthy junk food is still in reach, and I want to… 

Fuck, I want to create a world that Adam is happy in. A world that Adam feels loved and supported and heard. But I can’t act like that will fix everything because when it comes to Adam, there’s nothing to fix. He’s not broken for being sad, or for being hurt, he’s just… Adam. And I want him to be happy, but not because I don’t love him when he’s sad. But ‘cuz I wanna see himself the way that I see him, as the… Hell. As the glue that holds me together. Which isn’t to say that he should only be happy because of what he does for me, and for other people. He deserves to feel loved and to feel deep, unrelenting joy, because he’s Adam. 

Adam shuffled against my shoulder, and I started, worried for a second that I had been talking out loud or something, but he just settled back down, his hair bunching up on my jacket. I went to try and smooth it out, but because it was stuck against me, I just ended up putting my hand on his head, and it was a little awkward. But I left it there; it was nice to touch him, and I hoped he wouldn’t goof on me later for it. 

The chime for the bus went off and Adam stood up, stretched, and waited for me to get up. 

“This is a pretty spot to get murdered, Caleb, you’re too kind.”

I looked around as I stood up too, cracking my neck and clearing my throat. “Only the best for you, dear.”

It really was a pretty place, a bunch of lights everywhere; lighting up the snow lining the sidewalks and tops of buildings. I’m not one for Christmas or whatever, but the amount of LEDs that people put out make me *just* festive enough. I hope that Adam has some time on his winter break; hot chocolate next to the dangerously unregulated secret heater in his dorm sounds really good right now. Thinking about holding him, all wrapped up around him, listening to him sing softly to himself like he does when there’s no music playing… The thought almost made me turn the fuck around and abandon this date entirely. 

Only almost though, because as we made our way inside and I followed the directions that Mark gave in his cryptic texts, I saw Adam’s eyes light up as he caught a glimpse of the first arcade machine. It was a stupid, pay-to-win claw machine but hell if my heart didn’t soar with his as soon as he saw it.

“There it is.” I mumbled, and closed my phone to catch up to Adam, who was already rushing ahead.

“Fuck, Caleb, if I knew this was where you’d-” 

His voice dropped out as he looked around my shoulder, and he grinned even wider. I turned around fast, worried somehow, even though all I was feeling from Adam was joy. But behind a few more machines, he was pointing at a storefront, covered in RPG merch.

I laughed. “Those bastards.” I mumbled. Adam was pacing towards the store so I followed him, still cursing Mark and Oliver under my breath. Of course “the ideal date spot” was taken up by a DnD store. I almost should have known, Mark had talked about convincing me into a game often enough that he was bound to trick me into the only store in town.

I couldn’t think about how I would chew them out, though. Adam was in the store, staring like a lost baby duck at the giant table dedicated to a 3D map setup, complete with fake moss. Huh, there was so much damn fake moss, it must be easy to make or something. I wonder if I could make fake moss, it looked soft.

“Moss, huh?”

“Caleb, you have got to be joking, it’s not *just* moss. This whole setup is beautiful, all of the delicate pieces and parts, it’s like a tiny city. Well, it’s a dungeon, but it’s so small and detailed and-”

“Hey, don’t touch that!”

I moved my hand back from a cool patch of green and swung around to find the source of fear and anger, and I guess, more importantly, the voice.

“Sorry!” I laughed, shoving my hands in my pockets. “No touching, see?”

I turned back to see Adam glaring at me. “Can’t keep your hands to yourself for two seconds?” He said before going back to squint at a very tiny dwarf or something.

“Not when you’re around.” I grinned, trying to ignore the frustrations coming from him, as if he didn’t know that I could feel it. I kept my hands in my pockets though. 

I wandered around the shop, looking at the wild stuff lining the walls. As much as I didn’t want to figure out how to play DnD, I had to admit that there wasn’t a boring thing here. There was a table in the middle of the room where stacks of Magic: The Gathering cards sat and I shuddered a little. Adam tried to teach me how to play Magic in high school and I swear, I still wake up in a cold sweat thinking about how completely lost I got. Fucking… on tap or something.  
It’s fun to watch Adam play, though; his eyes get all calculating and his eyebrows furrow and he does the… smirk, fuck, he does the smirk whenever he does something that puts the other person in a bind. I wish he’d put me in a bind. I guess I’d have to learn how to play Magic first.

I nodded at the cashier, who was watching me through hawk eyes. I could feel the pointed frustration coming off of him every time I moved. I tried not to let it affect me, I literally look like a linebacker in a liquor aisle, so I didn’t blame him for thinking that I didn’t know about anything in this store. 

I mean, he was right, but I was keeping my hands in my pocket without his pointed looks.

Suddenly, the emotion coming from the guy changed, so fast I felt my stomach drop and I spun around and looked at Adam, worried that something was wrong. The three of us in the shop looked at each other for a moment, and I realized that Adam had walked to the counter with something in his hand.

“Are you okay, Caleb?” Adam asked, his head tilting. I nodded, and went to stand by him. All I wanted was to be close to him, honestly. Just… all the time. I wanted to grab his hand but there was something in it. They looked like dice, and I smiled a little. He already had so many dice, but I wasn't going to stop him from getting more.

Especially when his eyes sparkled brighter than the shiny things in his hand. Holy hell, I felt so infatuated with him it was almost suffocating. But I kept my hands staunchly in my pockets. I needed air. Not in a bad way, just… I felt like my heart was going to beat out of my chest. And as nice as being around Adam was, I wanted to feel, fine again.

I regretted it as soon as I nodded to Adam to let him know I was okay and stepped out of the store.

The infatuation wasn’t all me. The cashier, fuck. The cashier liked Adam.

My blood was boiling in my eyes before I even realized what was going on. Fuck, I needed to get back to Adam, I miss him, he can fix this; help me stop feeling like I’m going to punch a wall. I felt so bunched up and fragile, like rope coiled so tight around itself that you can’t see where it begins and ends. My heart was still beating so fast that I couldn’t track it, and my bones ached. Ached for movement. Without even thinking, I ran. Ran away from the image in the back of my brain repeating the image of Adam leaning over the counter to kiss that man. Not me. Him.

He wasn’t bad looking, and he gave a shit about DnD and nerd shit. The pit in my gut rattled the walls of my stomach as I ran faster, out of the mall and outside into the cold dusk air. 

It was snowing. Of course it was snowing, and the silence was so loud against the anger in my bones. The chilliness felt good, though. Adam brought his own jacket for once, so I was running a little hot. Was I mad at Adam? Fuck, of course I wasn’t. He was just buying dice. He would never… He would never do something like that. Something like the scene pounding against the back of my eyelids. Was I angry at the cashier? Of course… not. It wasn’t his fault. People can’t control their emotions, and Adam- oh god, Adam is so cute. 

Fuck, Adam.

I kicked a clump of snow, and the loose flakes scattered in the breeze.

“Fuck.” I mumbled, shoving my hands back in my pockets and taking a deep breath.

It’s my fucking fault. I’m the emotions guy, and I can’t shake off jealousy? I still wanted to punch something but didn’t want to be reckless; didn’t want to worry Adam anymore than he already was. 

Fuck, Adam. It’d been a few minutes, and if he didn’t watch me literally run away, he didn’t know where I was. I didn’t want him to worry, I didn’t want anything to happen while I was- fuck no, Caleb, get your shit together. Adam wasn’t going to bone down in a game store just because I stepped out. Would he? Fuck, that’s such a shitty thing to think. I just-

I took another deep breath, imagining Dr. Bright talking me through it. I might need to go back to therapy, but that was a problem for when I inevitably spilled my guts to Mark about this and he cursed me out for never “talking to people who can actually help me fix my problems” or whatever.

A few moments later, I had paced back up to the storefront in the mall. I think part of me was hoping that Adam wouldn't be there, would somehow know that I wanted him, that I needed him, and would have come after me.

He hadn't, and he was still talking to the guy at the register. And fuck, there was no room between their arms, leaning across the register.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, the guy was holding Adam's phone. Adam was not holding his phone. I could feel the gross, sticky pinkness of the cashier's infatuation with Adam, with MY Adam, even from outside the damned store, and I could feel it slowly being overwhelmed by my own hate, my own insecurity.

I hate this stupid store and it's stupid cashier and stupid moss and stupid arcade. I just wanted a good date, and now I'm so worried for no good reason. Maybe I was right to worry, though. The perfumy feelings coming off this guy in waves were too much for me to even get a read on Adam. For all I knew, he would have stayed in that moment forever, making eyes at this guy who was undressing him with his stupid eyes.

I had to accept it, to let him. Fuck, this was the end. I didn't have time to say goodbye, I didn't deserve it. I was never good for Adam, anyway, between the fucking… atypical shit and our interests being so comically different. It only took two breakups to figure out that INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT TIDBIT.

All this time, all leading up to me getting cucked by my wonderful boyfriend outside of a Quests and Legends. 

I sat on a bench, ignoring the "Insert 2 tokens to play" blasting in my ear from the shoot-em-up dinosaur game. 

I could learn to like DnD for him, I think. I think my problem is about consciously giving up control more than the fantasy part. That and I'm so afraid to look silly, especially in front of Adam, because he fucking always makes fun of me. And he's so cute about it, and I know he doesn't mean it like that, but hell, if it doesn't hit a nerve when I really don't have any idea what I'm doing and-

"Caleb?" 

I looked up from my hands, splayed out in front of me, and saw Adam striding toward me.

"Can I use your email for the sign-up thing here? I hate spam emails but they offer a 20% discount when you say yes and you never check your email-" 

I watched as he looked at me straight in the face, and I didn't need empathy powers to know he was concerned. But I did have those, so I did know that he was more confused than concerned.

"What's up, babe?"

I shook my head.

"Yeah, you can use my email. Use my school one, though, I already have it muted on my phone." 

Adam stepped back, and I could feel him scream, We will talk about this before he went back into the store and punched my email into the register.

The cashier had to know we were together by now, my jacket has Michaels written all over it and my email- fuck my email only had like three letters of my last name. And he probably didn't care that much. 

Unless he was into that. 

I tried to tap into both of their feelings, but from this far away and behind my own jumbled mess, I couldn't sus out specifics or anything. 

A few minutes later, Adam came out, and I could feel his happy from the second he left the shop, all the way to him sitting next to me. 

"Do you wanna see what I got?"

"Yeah, dice, right? Like you don't have enough."

"Shut up, you collect dumb stuff too."

"I don't think your hoodies count."

"I don't think you should have them in the first place, not one of them fits you."

"I think it's funny like that."

Adam rolled his eyes, fully "antagonist in a movie" rolled his eyes, and put his hand on my leg. 

I was suddenly very aware that we were in a pay-to-play Jurassic Park simulator. Not in like, a sex way. I just remembered where we were. Vividly. 

"Insert two tokens into my ass, fucko" Adam mumbled, and then caught my eye and put his head in his hands. He flushed a deep red, and waves of clammy embarrassment were shooting off of him, but he was laughing.

And I was laughing with him, oh fuck, I was laughing so hard. Adam was probably telling me to be quiet, this was a mall at 4pm but hell, it was so nice to just be NEAR him and have him look at me like that. 

Like he wanted to kill me, sure, but he would kiss me first, and that basically negates the first part, like PEMDAS.

“Quit it, Caleb, you’re being so loud, people will wonder what’s going on, fuck.” Adam hissed, his elbows on my knees and his hands on either side of my face. His hands were so soft and warm, and I nestled into the little shelf they made before I realized what I was doing.

“Oh, darn, all three people in this mall will know that I’m in a relationship with the funniest man on the planet.” I was only kind of joking; mostly I wanted to see if his face could get even more red. It did, and I felt my heart ache in my chest. With love? Want? I didn’t know, and I didn’t care.

“Oh, fuck off, meathead. You know what I mean.”

“I mean it, I’ll shout it from the rooftops. Adam Hayes is my beautiful boyfriend, and he is incredibly funny.”  
“Fuck, Caleb, you’re talking so loud, you’ll get someone’s attention.” He was laughing, trying to put his hands over my mouth, but I wiggled around the reaching 

“Am I a secret?” I feigned hurt, pretending I wasn’t looking over Adam’s shoulder to see whether the cashier boy could hear. Fuck, if I could get a flash of jealousy from this guy; my life would be complete. 

“No, my mom makes you dinner more often than she makes it for me, you’re not a secret, I just don’t wanna get kicked out of this mall before the next bus comes, you ass. It’s cold.”

I settled back into the seat, grinning. I couldn’t feel anything from the game store, but Adam was giggling and I wanted to look into his eyes before he realized that I was falling in love with him all over again and called me sappy or some shit.

Fuck, he was all pink and full of love and a little embarrassment, but so pink and flushed.

I couldn’t imagine my life without this power, without knowing for a fact how much Adam wanted to be around me, to love me as much as I wanted to love him. The way I wanted to love him. He was so bad at saying it, I don’t know if I would ever have known. Maybe Caitlyn would have told me, eventually. But the opportunity would have been long gone, Adam would probably be living in Europe or something. Maybe if fate were real, we would have found each other, maybe whenever I found some direction in my life and went somewhere wild.

For now, I think that I’m okay with Adam being my direction. He was wild enough for me.

“Not your mom anymore, Rebecca is my mom, now.” 

I kissed one of the hands on my face, grinning at the rush of pink that floods my senses.

“Give me mom, back, you bitch.”

Adam kissed my forehead, smirking; oh FUCK that smirk.

“I will do no such thing, her tomato bisque is to die for.”

I scooted closer to him. Damn, I wanted to kiss him so bad, his eyes were so bright and so focused on me, like they were all he saw; all he had ever seen. If Adam’s eyes were the last thing I ever saw, I could be okay with that, I think.

“Then perish, she birthed me.” Adam retorted.

“Insert two tokens to play!”

“Fuck off.” I said, and saw Adam already flipping off the machine. I laughed, holding his hand in mine and getting mad at an automated arcade machine.

“It doesn’t look… boring.” Adam mumbled after a second, looking at the flashing screens in front of us.

“Wait, really? I didn’t peg you as a shoot ‘em up guy.”

“You didn’t peg me at all, but you’re right.” I opened my mouth to comment on his joke, but he barreled on. “But I like arcade games, a lot.”

I looked around to try and find where to get tokens, and my heart sank as I realized that the sign on the arcade wall pointed into the Quests and Legends. 

“Aw man, the game store is where we get the tokens.”

“Aw man? Is something wrong?”

I swallowed the lump in my throat as I realized yet again that Adam couldn’t read every layer of my emotions.

“It’s not a big deal.”

“If it’s not a big deal, I’ll just… go into the Quests and Legends and talk to… Scott... about 50 tokens, then.”

He made eyes at me, and I didn’t have to read his smug-ass emotions to figure out that he already had the whole situation sussed out. 

“Scott?” I heard my voice crack, and I kicked myself mentally. I thought I had already sorted out these sour, vinegar feelings, but knowing that the cashier had a name that Adam cared about made my heart sink all over again. Thinking about Adam caring about… Scott made my stomach twist.

“Scott. The cashier in Quests and Legends.”

His hands on mine felt cold, sitting too still to feel natural. and I felt our combined anxiety spinning circles around each other in the air between us. I wanted so badly to hear him just tell me that my worries were stupid, that he would never do something like that. 

And for the first time in a long time, Adam's emotions were so jumbled, he was completely unreadable. Or maybe it’s just that I couldn’t feel his emotions over mine.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, I've ruined it, I've ruined it all and there's nothing I can do. Adam would go back into the store and never come back out.

My throat was sandpaper when I spoke again. 

"I can pay for the tokens if you want." 

Adam shook his head. "Don't worry about it, a quarter a token isn't crazy, and student loans just came in."

"Well, I can go with you anyway?"

I framed it as a question because it was, I wondered if he would really tell me, no I'm leaving you for this person I just met today, because they're better than you in every foreseeable way. Way better to be with someone who understands you, I guess.

But Adam nodded. "Yeah, I'd like that."

Wait, I'd like that ?

Those were not the words of a man leaving me for a game store attendant, I don't think. I could feel my heart again, beating out of my chest as we stood up from the game bench and walked hand in hand towards the storefront. 

He was holding my hand; fuck, he was holding my hand. He was holding my hand like he didn't want to do anything else, and I could feel cold metal resolve in his emotions. And something sticky, like disgust, but not quite as powerful.

Damn, I loved holding his hand. 

And he wasn't letting go, he wasn't afraid to talk to this Scott guy with me in tow. With me by his side.

I was such a fucking idiot to think otherwise, and I was only realizing that now.

Scott gave me a nod, not breaking eyesight on Adam the whole time, and I found myself drawing myself up to look bigger than I normally am. I already towered over the both of them, but I squared my shoulders a little anyway. It made me feel like I was a little more in control, even though that was silly.

Adam looked over at me, grinning. And suddenly that’s all I could think about.

Fuck this perfect-for-Adam game store attendant, Adam was grinning at me, and he was happy. I could feel the happy coming off of him, all lemon and honey, and it was so warm, like staring into the sun. And there was some excitement too. Oh hell, I was so caught up with trying to figure out if I would lose my boyfriend at a Quests and Legends that I almost forgot I was on a date with him.

Adam paid for the “tokens”, which were really just points on a colorful credit card looking thing that Adam handed to me. Disappointing not to be handed a stack of coins, but I guess it made sense to do it digitally.

“Which one do you wanna do first?” I said, but Adam was already headed towards the Jurassic Park monstrosity we had been sitting in, so I followed in tow, getting dragged by his hand still in mine. 

“I’ve never played one of these before.” I mumbled as we slid in on either side.

Adam shrugged. “Me neither, but it’s worth a try, right?”

I picked up the clunky fake gun attached to the machine and slid the card in the slot. The game stopped yelling about needing tokens. Adam grabbed his “player one” marked gun.

“Worth a try.” I said.

I was immediately complete ass at the game. The colors were so bright and in your face, and trying to track down which wildly moving parts on screen I was supposed to point at was way more difficult than it should have been. So I did my best, but my best may have included watching Adam out of the corner of my eye as he concentrated so hard that his tongue started poking out.

I think the game was mostly an ad, if we’re being honest. It was covered in Jurassic Park specific lore and cutscenes and the game ended with a “Experience more in theaters in June”

While Adam was squinting at the tiny digital display trying to sort out how many tickets he got, I spoke up. “Do you know when Jurassic Park actually came out?” Adam shook his head.

“The book came out in 1990, but I don’t think this arcade game was advertising the book.”

That made sense, I guess, and I pulled out my phone.

“Okay Google.”

Adam looked up and rolled his eyes.

I shushed him: it was only once in a while that my phone actually responded to a verbal command and I didn’t want him goofing on me to ruin it, even if he was just going to say something about Oliver being disappointed that I was actually “inviting a sentient robot into my space” or something.

“When did Jurassic Park come out?”

There was that familiar little beep, and the nice Google voice chimed, “In the United States of America, Jurassic park was released on June 11, 1993.” 

“Huh, only three years after the book was published.” Adam mumbled. “And they still got so much of it wrong.”

“Aw, come on, it can’t be that bad.”

“You never finished the book, the semester ended before we got to the end. It’s bad, Caleb.”

“I’ve never seen the movie, either.”

“Huh. I guess we’ll go see it in theaters in June or something, then.”

We wandered around the small arcade, trying random games, and I watched as Adam blew, like, 20 tokens on a claw game and came up with nothing but a rubber duck. I tried to take over, hoping that my sheer lack of experience would make up for him trying so damn hard, but it looked like he might bite my arm off if I did better than him, even if he got a cutesy date plushy out of it. So I didn’t try, letting him curse out the rigged machine for half an hour before we moved to the skee ball machine. 

Fucking love skee ball.

I’m only okay at it, but I’m better than Adam, which was the important part.

“You- fuckshit, how many points do you-” 

“I dunno, you can read, right?” I threw another ball, and it bounced, cracking against the metal grate over the spot the balls were supposed to roll too. “Fuckin-”

Adam laughed aloud, doing a little dance in place that made my heart soar. “That’s what you get for bragging, meathead.”

His next throw went so wide that it clattered into my lane and he was cursing again while I doubled over with laughter. I think he tried to tackle me, but he was so small, I took it as an excuse to hug him close.

I looked down to see him punching my stomach lightly, his mouth open in a quiet scream.

“Adam, Adam, Adam-” I was breathless from laughing, but I did a quick manual raincheck on his emotions just in case he was seriously going to punch me for being better at skee ball than him. Still happy, just frustrated, but in a light way. He also felt a little overwhelmed with that happiness, like when you laugh so hard that you feel like you’re going to throw up.

“What, Caleb? What?” He was still pretending to punch me, his elbows locked up to his sides, and then he dove into me and hugged me back.

I was so flooded with my happiness and love mixing with his that I couldn’t answer, I was laughing so hard. Cackling, almost, with my blood bubbling in my ears and tears pricking in my eyes.

After a moment of just holding him, swaying a little, my giggles came to a breathy stop. I rested my head on Adam’s, just holding him for a second.

And then, petting his hair, catching my breath still, I swayed to face the machine. And threw the ball I had tucked in my hand. The chiming noises of it hitting the dead center ring, the one that gave you the most points, almost drowned out the sounds of Adam laughing and cursing me out. Almost.

He did end up winning that round; whether that was because we switched machines halfway through, (“For spice-” Adam said), that’s up to Adam. I certainly couldn’t tell you, I was… occupied. 

I was busy watching his eyes light up in all sorts of different colors in the flashing lights of the arcade machine, watching him spin in a circle stimming with his hands as the tickets counted up on the screen. I fought back the urge to ask if he was okay, it always made him embarrassed even though I just wanted to make sure it wasn’t too much stimulation on my part making him stim, if I needed to step back or something. 

He’s so happy around me sometimes that it’s almost blinding, and combined with my happiness I can’t always tell exactly what was going on. He makes me forget I’m atypical some days, like I can’t just reach out and know everything that someone is feeling, even though I can never stop. He makes me feel like I can be normal, like if he’s the only person in my life, I never have to feel like I was different from other people. That doesn’t mean that I’m not scared out of my mind trying to figure out how to come to grips with what exactly my future is as someone who just wants to help people… He made me feel like it was okay for my tunnel vision to focus on a date to the arcade.

I want him to be this happy all the time, and it was such a... fucking privilege to love Adam in a way that made that a possibility. It was a fucking privilege and I wouldn’t give it up for the world, no matter how much pain I’ll go through in my whole life. Seeing him smile and happy stim about beating me in an arcade game was worth every second of pain I went through that summer after senior year.  
“Hey! Hey, space cadet, you okay?”

I took a deep breath and smiled at Adam, who was looking at me, worry all over his face and coming off of him in a cloud.

“Yeah, just processing my loss. That I was given fair and square.”

“Of course you were, I’m superior in every way, including skee ball. I bet you wish there was an arcade for being dumb and playing football.”

“Don’t forget that I’m also dashingly handsome.” I said, grabbing his hand and starting to wander towards the “Redeem Tickets Here” sign. 

“Of course, I could never forget, it’s easily your most important trait. Doesn’t help you in skee ball though.” 

“You’re a dork, and a sore winner. Which flavor do you want?”

We were standing over a little chest full of Dippin Dots, the selection was ass, but we had enough tickets for two of them, at least. 

“They don’t have cookies and cream, shit.”

“Oh, fuck, you’re right.”

“What’s the point in Dippin Dots if there’s no cookies and cream?”

I laughed. “If no cookies and cream… Why Dippin Dots?” 

“If Dippin Dots want to be purchased… Why no cookies and cream?”

I felt hesitation and a little embarrassment seep out and envelop me from someone who wasn’t Adam, and I turned to see what was going on. There was a person behind the counter, making a face that melted as soon as they saw me looking. I waved, going to turn back to Adam and the ice cream before they spoke up.

“I usually hide the good flavors at the bottom for myself; if you dig under the three layers of Bubblegum you should find a few Cookies and Cream.”

Adam cracked a grin, and I passed it onto the person at the counter. “Thank you, your kindness will not be forgotten.”

“I hope not, I’ll come to collect one day.”

I laughed, looking to see if Adam caught their joke, but he was already head and shoulders deep in the cooler, digging around in the thing.

“I’m seeing a ton of blue raspberries but no cookies, my life is over. I’m perishing.”

“Keep digging, you dork, you’ll be fine.”

“No, this is the last you’ll see of me, I’m freezing to- Ahah!”

He swung out of the freezer, holding a tiny tub up in triumph.

“Got it!”

He nodded, already pacing towards the counter. I rolled my eyes and grabbed a blue raspberry, following close behind. I tried to send thankful vibes to the attendant without yaknow… *sending* them, but ending up just mouthing “Thank you” as they used the tokens card like a debit card and typed some numbers on the screen, handing it back to Adam.

“Yeah, they give us like… four of the good flavors every shipment and I have absolutely no idea. Where are they hiding the good ones? Why do people still buy the bad ones? Scientists will never know.”

Adam and I laughed, mumbling something about “ice cream is ice cream” as if Adam wasn’t shivering from being shoulder deep in a cooler in search of a good flavor, checked out and wandered out into the greater mall area. 

“It’s-” I checked my phone, “7:30, the next bus is at forty-five, how does going back to my place sound?”

Adam bumped my shoulder, catching my hand and holding it. His hand was so cold from holding his ice cream that it made me wanna put his hand in my pocket. Why did we get ice cream in December? Ice cream, that’s why, but hell if I wasn’t starting the shiver too.

“It’s technically seven twenty-four, and if we go back to your house I have to leave, so it sounds bad, actually.”

“You make it seem like Sadie’ll kick you out or something.”

“Maybe she will, you can never trust a straight.”

“Maybe you can’t, but Sadie has proven herself. Frankie, on the other hand? Suspicious if you ask me.”

“I still can’t believe the straights got Frankie… We lost a real one.”  
I laughed, pulling out a chair for Adam to sit down and put the ice cream down.

“Now, it’s important that he knows we love and support him, even if we don’t support that.. yaknow… lifestyle.” 

Adam slid into the seat across from where I sat down and made grabby hands for my ice cream. 

“Fuck, Adam, you haven’t even touched yours, and you want a bite of mine?”

He nodded. “Mine’s cold.”

“You dork, it’s ice cream, I hope it’s cold.” I scooped some out with the silly spoon that they included and made a face, trying to get Adam to open his mouth.

“You wanna-?” He got interrupted by a tiny spoon chock full of blue raspberry Dippin Dots, and I laughed at his surprise. 

“Taste good?”

“Tastes like blue.”

“Good.” I fed him another spoonful, holding both of his hands in my other hand to try to warm them up some more.

“You want some of mine?”

I shook my head, my mouth already full with my own spoonful, and Adam shrugged, taking his hand back and popping open his own ice cream. 

“Your loss, this is the secret flavor, after all.”

“Oh no, the forbidden dots, whatever will I do?” I said it around a mouthful, and I felt a wave of disgust come from Adam, and I tried not to laugh and make it worse.

Adam rolled his eyes, but reached his newly freed hand out to hold mine anyway. I grabbed it and we sat in silence for a few minutes, sometimes flipping our phones around to show each other a funny video.

I wanted those moments to last forever, just happy to be with my boyfriend, not needing to say anything or even really to fill the space between us. We showed each other stuff because we were reminded of the other, not because we felt like we had to. And the way that he looked at me, I knew he felt that way too. I mean, that and the whole feeling emotions thing. Wait, maybe he was just happy I shut up for twenty seconds, oh no. 

“Aw man, it’s 7:40, we should get to the bus.”

“Oh yeah,” I stood up, grabbing our containers and throwing them away as we passed, wandering out to the bus stop as the bus pulled in. 

Outside smelled like cold and the vanilla-mint smell that comes with holidays around this time. Adam always joked that since his family celebrated Hanukkah and Christmas, he had stolen my winter spirit, and I didn’t take it too seriously until times like this, when even with all of the cheer swirling around in the brisk stillness, even with lights everywhere, I couldn’t bring myself to think about it as any more important than some time off of school, more time with Adam, when his family or school projects didn’t have him by the throat. It kinda made me sad, but I guess it was fine to feel like this. Every emotion being so overwhelming had to have a limit somewhere. Maybe I was just burnt out when it came to this time of year.

We got on the bus without many words, saying thanks to the driver and taking a seat before Adam turned to me. 

“Hey, Caleb?” 

“Yeah?” 

“You okay? I know that I’m leaving, but you’ve been quiet for a minute.”

I shook my head, threading my fingers through his. They were still so cold that I wrapped one hand around the two of ours. “I’m good, just tired. It was kind of a big emotion day on my part.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, we should have gotten an Uber or something, I thought that the bus would be okay but I should have asked and-”

“No, no, it’s not that. I’ve gotten way better about other people’s emotions; mine are harder to deal with, I think.”

“Oh… I’m sorry, Caleb. Is this about the-” 

I shook my head again. “We don’t have to talk about it, I know it’s stupid, I just get really defensive and protective of you and I don’t always remember that you’re your own person 100%. It’s not fair for me to project my own insecurities onto you and your life, even if that Scott guy was totally head over heels for you.”

Adam faked a big gasp, hands over his mouth and everything, taking my hands with him. “Wait, Scott was into me? You must have been so jealous, as my boyfriend, on a date with me, who I love and adore!”

“Hey, don’t be like that, you know he was checking you out. And I dunno, I was worried that he was better for you?”

Saying it out loud made me feel like shit, Adam wasn’t a prize to hold on tight to, he loved me and I knew that, and he keeps getting opportunities to stop being around me, and he doesn’t take them. 

“Better for me? What do you even mean?”

I was looking down then, and I could feel my face get red with an embarrassment that Adam didn’t need to be an empath to feel it on me. 

“He likes DnD…” I mumbled, and before I even finished, Adam was laughing.

“He likes- Oh fuck, you’re a meathead!”

“Well yeah that’s the-”

“I love having different interests than you, I learn so much useless information about sports shit; and you’ll never be better at Magic than me. I like a man who can whoop my ass physically, not emotionally, you ass.”

“I can do the last one too…”

“I mean, yeah, but not because you’re a bigger nerd than me. Hell, THAT’S what made you jealous? If you knew everything about my interests, I would feel WAY worse about infodumping about nerdy shit. I love you, and your absolutely empty skull. Fuck…”

I laughed, and it was my turn to bury my head in my hands. 

“I love you, dork.”

“I love you too.”

“Did you think he was cute though?” I asked, knowing that I wouldn’t get a straight answer.

“I dunno, did your emotion powers pick up on any reciprocating feelings?” 

“No…” I muttered, and maybe I pouted a little. He was right, I shouldn’t worry about it, but it didn’t make that acidic, stomach burning feeling less real.

“Then there’s your answer. Would now be a bad time to mention that I got his Instagram because he makes custom resin dice?” 

“Suddenly my ears are Jared, 19.”

“Mmhmm. Sure, cuz that’s how it works.”

“Hey,” Adam reached out and cupped the side of my face to make me look at him. “Your feelings are important, but I want you to know that you’re loved, and that also Sadie and Caitlyn would tag-team beat my whole ass if I left you without breaking up with you properly.”

I tried to decide which jab to make, at his lack of ass or at the fact that we’ve been historically bad at really breaking up. 

But ended up snuggling into his hand and giving him a tight-lipped smile.

“So don’t feel bad about being jealous, I am a catch after all. But don’t get it twisted, I would only leave you for like… Tom Hardy and Matt Mercer.” 

“Matt... who?” 

“Holy shit I haven’t shown you- Give me a minute. I can’t believe I’ve kept this from you. Maybe we should break up, I obviously don’t love you you if I haven’t-”

“Hey, hey, show me the guy before you start throwing around words like ‘I don’t love you’; holy hell.”

He turned his phone to me after frantically typing for a second, showing me a picture of a handsome man with one eyebrow raised, and I looked back at Adam, eyes wide.

“Right? And it gets better, because the real kicker is his voice...”

**Author's Note:**

> if theres a typo, you do not see it, don't worry about it, do not contact me, i will not be reading this so it's up to fate whether it's good!


End file.
